Sexual Healing and Ecstasy – Beyond Sensate Focus

Learning the sensate focus exercises together can even heal a troubled relationship. You simply cannot do them well unless you learn to shut out the world temporarily and concentrate totally on each other. Gradually, you get into the habit of setting aside time to be with each other in a pleasurably way, and to communicate honestly about your needs and feelings. Research shows that people, who know how to communicate their feelings, in both verbal and nonverbal ways, are healthier-both physically and emotionally.

You can learn to intensify the healing powder of sex by consciously it when you make love. Some esoteric eastern traditions even prescribe certain positions and sexual exercises to heal specific organs. While that is beyond the scope of this book, I would like to teach you a simple way to experience the healing power of sex.

Sexual Healing

There is little that can do more to boost sense of well being than knowing that your partner cares for you and desires you sexually. One way to express this is each other is to take turns making love to each other. Do it in a way that allows you give yourself 100 percent to the experience.

Have your partner lie back and relax. Lovingly lock your gaze on your partner’s eyes as you psychologically draw your partner in and compel him or her to focus on what you are doing. The more you enjoy what you are doing, and the more intently you focus the more effective this will be.

Caress your partner’s body with your hand. Place your ear on top of your partner’s chest so you can hear his or her hear beat. Maintain as much body contact as you can. As you start to caress your partner’s genitals, keep your ear or a hand on his her heart. Or keep your face up against your partner’s face. Maintain this contact as you begin to have slow, gentle, focused, intercourse with your partner.

As you make love, concentrate all your mental energy towards healing or nurturing your partner psychologically. This is a lot different than worrying about whether your partner likes what you are doing. Here, you are directing all of your positive sexual energy towards making your lover feel good, rather than trying to make your lover feel good about you because you are using the “right” technique or touching in the “right” place.

If you both make love with the intention to focus your innate healing abilities on each other, this can be very powerful. You might even feel the healing energy that you have created together as an intensified current between you. This type of union is intensely fulfilling. Yet, you can have an even deeper experience of sexual communication. It’s called ecstasy.


Ecstatic sex is a level of sexual experience beyond arousal, beyond the intense pleasure of orgasm and even beyond mutuality and intimacy. It comes unbidden during intercourse, and most typically, just at the point of orgasm. There is no mistaking it when it happens.

You and your partner may feel yourselves becoming so close that your merge into one, transcending the limits of your bodies. Or, you alone may feel the bliss shooting up your spine and catapulting you into a dimension of experience you can only describe as cosmic.

I have experienced it myself and it is hard to put into words.

I have found it most like those descriptions of the Buddhist state of being totally free from desire. It is a state of pleasure so intense, that while it may be accompanied by an orgasm, you really do not know whether you are having and orgasm or not. And you both turn to each other and say, “Did you feel that? What was that?”

Spiritual experiences are so highly personal, that I cannot describe a typical ecstatic moment. But here are ways my clients have described it:

“While my husband and I were having sex, I had several orgasms in a row, and then I just seemed to stay in this orgasmic state. I felt like I was there for several minutes although it could not have been more than a few seconds. My husband told me eyes glazed over. It was like being in an altered state of consciousness.”

“I saw God, Buddha, and Allah.” (Yes, he was being metaphorical.)

“When I got close to orgasm, I felt this white-hot light start at my tailbone and slowly move up my spine. When it got to my head, I had the orgasm. It was one of the strangest things I have ever felt. I asked my wife if she felt anything strange and she said she felt almost like both of us lifted about six inches off the bed.”

Some people have said that they see intense colors or images. Others hear music. Some feel an overwhelming sense of connection with all creation. These experiences are probably due to part to the release of endorphins-besides killing pain, endorphins can cause intensely pleasurable states.

Ecstatic sex is something you cannot make happen. Every time I have experienced it, it has been unplanned. Yet, I do know that the sensate focus approach is much more likely to lead to ecstatic sex than a performance-oriented approach. This is because the state of mind that is a prerequisite for ecstatic sex demands that you be in the here and now and one hundred percent focused on your sensations.

The ecstasy associated with intense sexual experiences is the focus of a form of yoga known as tantra. Tantric yoga emphasizes reuniting the basic male and female principles in the cosmos through specific practices and postures. The sexual energy is harnessed in a way that can lead the practitioners to couple and individuals. After you have completed the exercises in Sexual Pleasure, you may wish to learn move about tantric yoga or tantric sex in order to go further in your exploration of your sexual self. Margo Anand’s book, The Art of Sexual Ecstasy” The Path of Sacred Sexuality for Western Lovers is a worthwhile book on this subject.

Going Forward from Here

Through the exercises in this book, you have learned to enjoy touching and being touched. You have learned to let go-to relax and enjoy your own sexual response, to savor your desire for your partner. Through peaking and plateauing exercises you have also learned to make the most of your arousal and orgasm patterns. And through it all, you have learned to communicate with your partner and become deeply intimate.

Where do you go from here?

I recommend that you continue the breathing, PC-muscle, and bonding exercises daily for the rest of your life. They will keep your senses, your body, and your passion alive and afire.

Return to the others as you need or desire. Remember that you can always count on the focusing caresses to relax you. Since you have learned peaking and plateauing, your body has been conditioned and will naturally respond in that way. This gives you infinite options on ways to make love, based on what you have come to learn about your own sexual responses and possibilities.

Sexual expression can have an overwhelmingly positive effect on your life. It frees you, enriches you, and opens up new dimensions of your humanity. I hope the sensual and sexual activities you have learned here will help you enjoy the many healthy and empowering aspects of sexuality-desire, arousal, orgasm, intimacy, and ecstasy.

Tantra And Sexual Healing

Tantra and sex are inseparable concepts in the minds of millions. This is unavoidable, because improved sexual performance and gratification are definitely important aspects of the tantric way of life. The problem lies in the fact that tantra – and especially the concepts of tantra god and tantra goddess – is seen as a means of turning men into erotic supermen and superwomen.

It is important to understand that in the tantric sciences, the tantra goddess is in fact the deification of woman. From being an object of man’s lustful intentions, she becomes a deity to be cherished and worshipped. This new way for a man of looking at his intimate partner is an integral part of the process of sexual healing. How does this happen, and why is it necessary?

Throughout the centuries, the sexual objectification of woman has been the primary cause of perversions and relationship breakdowns. Both the man and the woman suffer – the man is incapable of seeing sex and sexual intimacy in its proper context, while the woman often considers sexual relations as a cross she has to bear. It was never means to be this way.

In tantra, sex is an act of worship – a beautiful thing. The tantric arts prescribe various tantric rituals to align men and women to the true meaning and purpose of intimate relationships. The woman is given an opportunity to recover from the sick conditioning she has been subjected to over the centuries. The man learns to revere and cherish his woman. As a result, sexual healing takes place.

The process of sexual healing via the tantric route must be carefully laid out and monitored, and this requires the involvement of an accomplished tantra teacher – the quintessential guru of ancient India lore. The tantra master is not a sexual gym instructor, but a spiritual guide who teaches couples how to recover from the wrongs they have inflicted on each other, and how to set right these wrongs.

The ancient Indian tantric masters developed this science in a manner that factored in various aspects of sexual healing. The system they developed is an extremely powerful force – a force that can easily turn on those who attempt to wield it without knowing its secrets. This is this system of healing relationships and empowering couples must be learned and practiced only under the guidance of an expert tantra teacher

Pan and Aphrodite for Humanity’s Sexual Healing

Sexuality has been a rather dysfunctional area of the human experience, in the past and today also. Even though, in the western world, we may appear as ‘liberated’, ‘uninhibited’, ‘progressed’ and ‘advanced’ in sexual matters, with free pornography and prostitution, Internet sex, promiscuous sex with strangers, countless sex advice on popular magazines, huge expenses on improving our sex-appeal and appearance, sexuality is not much more balanced today than at other times. Neither is its connection to spirituality widely recognized. Sexual energies, when cleared of any excessively ‘positive’ (obsession) or ‘negative’ (judgment) attributes, can be used for the return and re-anchoring of higher frequencies in our lives and the world around us.

Hardly do we realize the importance of sexual health to spiritual health. We mostly regard sexuality as an isolated part, cut-off from the rest of our lives. Yet, sexuality is an inseparable part of one’s expression of life force. A couple with a healthy sex life, based on love, respect, inspiration and creativity, exudes such delightful energy, which helps, not only themselves, but also the world and the people around them in invisible ways. The same applies to a person who may be single, yet at peace, comfort and acceptance of his/her sexuality, while expressing his/her creative force in different ways. Despite the media’s brainwashing, sexual health (in the spiritual sense) is NOT determined by the frequency of our sexual contacts. Sexual health means acceptance, means the release of any guilt or shame about sexuality, the recognition of sexuality as a channel for powers of creativity, joy, spontaneity, honor and vitality. These qualities can be expressed in many different ways, not just through sex. Problems arise when these qualities get blocked due to trauma, guilt, shame, insecurity, low self-esteem, idolizing sex, sex addiction etc.

Human sexuality can be seen as a means to channel Universal energy into matter, so that physical matter is ultimately infused with life energy and soul energy. The most obvious creation of this infusion is, of course, a baby! But it is not the only one. Through appropriate channeling of sexual energy, one can create a work of art, a book, a project, or just a joyous day, during which we laugh and love and sing and rejoice. Sexual energy, when properly channeled (according to ancient methods of yoga, for example) can help towards spiritual enlightenment. Seeing sexuality as a package of physical techniques on biological reflexes, in order to create some momentary euphoria, is a very limited view. It is like seeing sex, as a little ‘fix’ to produce a ‘high’ and this view hides the spiritual truth of sexuality.

As other areas of the human experience, sexuality can be a wonderful tool, but it can be used in different ways. It can be used for ill and darkness, or it can be used for love and truth. Ways, not contributing to the light, are when sex is used for hurting, humiliating, using, or exploiting another, or for escaping boredom and the sense of vacuum and emptiness we may feel. Yet, the vacuum inside cannot be filled by sex. Many people today try to fill what is, essentially, a spiritual vacuum with sex and end up feeling more empty than ever (especially if they have used other people for their own perceived ‘need’). Both partners tend to feel cut off from the source of life force, depleted rather than energized, end up seeing each other and themselves as worthless and unattractive. We are bombarded by the media with messages of sexual obsession and sexual using (“how to get him/her to meet your needs” etc), but no one tells us that what we do to another, we do, first and foremost, to ourselves. If, through sex, we humiliate or use another, this is how we will feel about ourselves: used and humiliated. If, on the other hand, sex is the way of expression of love and appreciation of another, then this feeling will multiply for ourselves also. Sex can be the tool to give love or pain. The choice is ours and this choice will affect (just like every choice we make) every aspect of our life, as well as life around us.

Sexual healing is not about spicy advice on achieving greater physical pleasure. Sexual healing is about who we feel we are, in the deepest recesses of our soul. Sexual healing is about clearing the guilt that comes from abuse we received from others or we inflicted upon others, in this or in past lives. It is about de-idolizing sex and shedding all fears around it, fear of rejection, of not being liked, of being without, of being inadequate. It is about seeing its true purpose: union, joy, co-creation. Many spiritually evolved individuals choose the celibate life of the monk or nun, not because sex is ‘bad’, ‘dirty’ or anti-spiritual, but because they use their sexual energy for spiritual ascension. This may not be for everyone, if they feel that this is not their path. Spiritual progress does not exclude sexual activity, but the latter has to rely on love and respect to assist the former.

Sexual healing is very important today for the progress of humanity, since this area gathers some of the most repressed and dark negative thoughts and acts. Think about women in abusive relationships or women stoned for ‘hypothetical’ (or even real) infidelity. Think of the pain in many relationships (which is always linked to sexual pain, directly or indirectly), which often leads to substance abuse, depression, even suicide. Think of those, sometimes advertised, sexual practices, which humiliate human beings, with the use of physical violence. Many forms of negativity charge sexuality today, especially when it is disconnected from the spiritual self and is used to channel lower energies.

Some examples of distorted use of sexuality are the following:

1) The degrading of women, has been going on for so long, in such a wide scale, that the accumulated memory leads many women (along with men) to depreciate themselves. Men and women often fail to see the connection of female sexuality to the qualities of beauty, tenderness, sweetness and the Divine Feminine, but only see it as a vehicle for physical pleasure. Many women, who dimly remember this connection with the Divine Feminine, try to reclaim it, but sometimes do not know how. They expect approval from a man, in order to feel this connection again and to feel good about themselves. They idolize outer appearance, as the measure of the erotic inspiration they emit. But, attractiveness stems from the flame of vivacity, of our spiritual essence, which is unique, exists in all of us and which, when embraced, can shine outwards to all. This is the real attractiveness and beauty. A woman feels good in herself for who she is and this ease makes others feel attracted, while feeling good also. Everyone wins. Even without sex, the recognition of one’s own light and of the light of another, can be the most sublime, etheric erotic interchange, which can even diminish the biological need for sex. Sex can come about, but it only unfolds as another step in the manifestation of a positive energetic connection, it does not create, or replace the connection.

Many women can be blocked sexually by the emotional wounds of the past. Betrayals, rejection, lack of affection, abuse from the past, may make them doubt themselves and obstruct the flow of life force, in all areas of their lives. In this case, it is helpful to visualise clearing the heart charka with the white light of the Goddess. Even if a woman did not have any negative emotional experiences, it is likely that she feels the universal wound of rejection and abuse of women, coming from the collective unconscious of millions of women who have been abused and still are, in the world today. Healing the heart charka in this way, she helps not only herself, but heals the global thought-form (“women are abused by men”), she sends the healing energetic matrix to be used elsewhere by other consciousnesses too. Since we are all connected, healing does not only heal us, but goes beyond us.

Women can also ask Goddess Aphrodite to help them heal and accept their sexuality, to help life force flow again as a creative and vital power in their lives. The Aphrodite energy is very helpful in healing female sexuality and the Divine Feminine for humanity. A woman can thus feel the strength, the joy and vivacity which the Aphrodite energy brings… Even though Aphrodite’s name has been long stained and mis-used for all sorts of prostitution or pornography related material, Her purity cannot be changed, neither could She ever die…

There is another issue which links female sexuality to the channeling and the energy of the Goddess on Earth. The Goddess was worshipped very actively in many ancient temples in many parts of the world, mainly through female priestesses, who were virgins or practiced chastity. This was very powerful, since there were a big number of priestesses indeed! In those times, celibacy did not have the meaning that it has had in many religions since, i.e. it was not about being ‘clean’, while condemning sex as ‘dirty’. It was about reserving the female sexual energy for channeling the Goddess, and it was a very powerful anchoring method for the Goddess’s energy. Until a time came when, even in spirituality, masculinity dominated (sometimes through violence by male priests). These male priests or other males may have been of the dark or not, but (in ancient Greece at least, but I presume in other parts of the world too), they destroyed the temples of the Goddess and, on some occasions, converted the temples for male deities. They also forbade the priestesses from practicing the worship, forced them to marry, sometimes raped them or trained them and corrupted them with sex, so that the temples of the Goddesses became more or less prostitution houses. Prostitution was NOT one of the methods of the Goddess! But it was a powerful way for male domination to divert female sexual energy from anchoring the Goddess on Earth. It was not so much that they corrupted or raped the priestesses for their own personal gratification (even though this was a side gain!), but their main aim was to close down the channel for the Goddess through the priestesses.

How does this relate to us today? The Goddess is coming back… And it happens that many women around the world, especially sensitive, educated, strong women, find themselves, for long periods of time, without a partner. Is this a coincidence? I do not think so. Rather than complaining, or longing for partner, or even worse, consume themselves with inappropriate relationships, it is important for these women to recognize that any period of celibacy has its purpose. To question themselves, as to whether they feel drawn to working with the Goddess, since the Goddess energy may be trying to get through to them. It does not have to be forever, nor do women have to become nuns. The Goddess may need to work with them in chastity for only a certain period of time. When this time is over, the right partner will appear without effort. Neither does it mean that married or sexually active women cannot be the Goddess’s channels (though ANY relationship or sex that is not mutually loving, kind and respectful would block the Goddess energy). In effect, the large number of women without a partner today reflects a spiritual calling from the Goddess, one to be grateful for and used well, rather than wasted in obsessing about finding a partner (in ways that some modern movies or books almost make fun of…) This is something new in our spiritual era and something to be honored. So, I feel it is quite important that single women are aware of this perspective, since for many of them, their cooperation is needed by the Goddess AND working with Her will make their lives much more fulfilling and sweet than they can ever imagine. It happened on so many occasions in ancient Greece and ancient Egypt, during the attack on the Goddess, that the priestesses were made to believe that they were good only for sex or that they could not make it without a man…The reversal, the healing of this distortion is taking place now…